


Three In, Two Out

by CheerfullyCynical



Series: Whumptober2019 Malec/Shadowhunters [1]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Canon with Jace's Line "Please kill me" but with more feelings, Emotionally Hurt Alec Lightwood, Episode: s03e08 A Heart of Darkness, Gen, Hurt Alec, Hurt Isabelle Lightwood, Hurt Jace Wayland, Mentions of Suicide, POV Alec Lightwood, Parabatai Bond, Parabatai Feels, Post-Episode: s03e08 A Heart of Darkness, Prompt: Shaky hands, Thus the suicide warning, Whumptober, suicide warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-02
Updated: 2019-10-02
Packaged: 2020-11-16 15:40:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,274
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20857685
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CheerfullyCynical/pseuds/CheerfullyCynical
Summary: Coda for the scene after Alec and Izzy lose Jace to Lilith once again.-----------------------Alec flung his bow in a fit of rage, just barely keeping himself from smashing it to pieces. With another scream of fury, he broke each and every one of his arrows, the pain of them spintering in his hands only adding fuel to the fire......."Three go in. Two come out."





	Three In, Two Out

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING FOR MENTIONS OF SUICIDE. 
> 
> Again, it is canon with what is in the show, as Jace does literally beg them to kill him, but it is mentioned in this fic in more detail on how damaging it is. 
> 
> Enjoy! <3

_“Three go in._”

Alec fired another arrow, fingers numb. The sound of his arrowhead hitting its target did nothing. Again, he notched his arrow, pulling the string back and letting the sting of it melt into his entire body. Another target destroyed in a series of golden specs. He repeated the motion, this time catching a glance at the blood running down the string of his bow and onto the concrete below him.

His hands were shaking, hardly able to keep his grip on his bow.

_“Three come out._”

Unable to look at his nervous tick, he flung his bow in a fit of rage, just barely keeping himself from smashing it to pieces. With another scream of fury, he broke each and every one of his arrows, the pain of them splintering in his hands only adding fuel to the fire. Finally, the quiver was ripped off, the strap pulling against his body as it broke. It too made it way into the pile of destruction that he had created.

He found himself on his knees, running his bloody fingers over one of the sharp arrowheads. Its edges dug themselves into all of Alec’s cuts, causing mind-numbing relief that somehow _still _wasn’t enough.

He wanted to scream – wanted to destroy everything in sight with his bare hands. The world deserved it for taking Jace. The world deserved to burn for the pain that it had caused his brother.

_“Three go in.” _

It wasn’t the world that deserved to burn, it was himself. He had _promised _Jace; promised his crying brother that he would save him from Lilith’s _torture. _Alec knew that he himself wasn’t strong enough to go through losing Magnus over and over again, to lose his siblings and the protection they provided when it became too much.

_“Three come out._”

There were footsteps behind him, belonging to his sister. She wasn’t enough to stop the pain he was feeling, it only reinforced his failure as a brother and a Parabatai. He tossed the arrowhead without care against the wall, not watching its descent but hearing it as it clattered against the ground.

Iz said nothing, not even when she caught him rubbing at his eyes. He was the strong one – the older brother, the protector. He shouldn’t – _couldn’t _let his litter sister see how much of a failure he was. Alec wanted her to be pissed at him. He wanted her to be angry that she failed Jace. He deserved it. He deserved every hurt that she dished out.

But when she kneeled with him in the destruction around him, she threw her arms around him in a tight hug, one that screamed of love. His breathing hitched, but he didn’t dare wrap his own arms around hers - didn’t justify the comfort. She only clung tighter at that.

Alec could feel his heart break into pieces.

“It wasn’t your fault, big brother,” She told him in his ear, “You – _We _did everything we could.”

He didn’t. No, he didn’t do everything he could. He could have stopped Lilith before this even started. He could have asked Jace if he was okay – actually okay – when he knew something was wrong. He could have stopped Lilith when she broke into Magnus’s loft.

He could have killed Jace when he asked.

_“Three go in.” _

Alec shook his head, throat closing as he held back his tears. _“No_.” He managed.

“_Please, Alec,_” Iz said, only tightening her hold around him, “I can’t lose you too.”

Alec tried to let out of breath of air. Instead, the tears he was trying so hard to repress finally won the battle over him. Without knowing what he was doing, he wrapped his arms around Izzy, holding her tightly and rocking her slightly when she too burst into tears.

The both of them had lost their brother to a fate worse than death.

“_Three come out.” _

Though Alec stopped crying first, he didn’t dare move away from Izzy, who had now ended up with her head on his shoulder. She was rubbing at her face with her sleeve, something she used to do as a kid when she was upset.

“I’ve never seen Jace like that,” Iz said, quietly, as if she was scared to voice it, “So...”

_Broken. _

The Parabatai ruin only confirmed what Alec thought. It burned against his skin, warning him of a constant danger that he was unable to stop. Jace’s own emotions were a whirlwind – so fast that it was hard for Alec to even get a glimpse of it. His brother’s suffering was worse than anything Alec had ever felt.

“He’s strong,” Alec said, the words like ash on his tongue, “He’s still fighting.”

“_Three go in.” _

But Izzy didn’t take the lie, “He asked me to kill him. He put that blade in my hand, like he had a thousand times, and asked me to kill him.”

Alec closed his eyes, trying so hard to stop the image of Jace begging him to kill him, but it was burned in his mind for the rest of his life. _“I need you to kill me… I’ve tried… Please, Alec.” _Jace had said, _“I’m begging you._” Jace would have rather died than begged anyone for anything – would have fought tooth or nail before even considering such a thing.

When Alec was on Magnus’s rooftop the night of Max’s Rune party, thoughts ragging against him as Clary’s words hurt him worse than any blade could, he knew that he had an escape. He knew that he could stop all of the hurt inside him – had the horrible option right in front him.

It was one of the worst moments in his life.

_“Three come out.” _

Jace didn’t have that option. He had a very similar pain to Alec’s, where you can’t see a happy ending, and Jace had tried, time after time, to end his life. He couldn’t imagine living through that pain, alone and trapped in your own mind. It made him sick to his stomach.

They stayed like that, the two of them as close as they could, dealing with feelings that Alec didn’t know he could ever feel. The guilt and the anger and the pain and the suffering – all of it was too much.

But he had a little sister to think of, one that was hurting just as much as he was.

“Come on,” Alec told her softly, moving his shoulder just a little, “You need to sleep.”

Iz said nothing. However, she got up without another word, swaying slightly. His sister was one of the strongest warriors that he had ever seen – always fierce and confident in a way that rivaled people much older than her. Yet, as she tiptoed around the roof of the Institute, Alec couldn’t help but watch her and see her as a kid.

She walked over to his bow, picking it up gently as if it wasn’t a weapon. With care, she brought it back to him, presenting it to him as if it was the first time she had suggested that he practice.

His hands were still shaking, blood now caked on his fingers and knuckles. It fit well with what he was feeling.

“Three go in.”

Alec gripped it tightly in both hands, heart aching as Iz repeated what they had always promised each other. The sudden urge to scream at her was roaring at him.

_“**Two** come out._”

Yet, as he slung the weapon onto his back, he couldn’t deny the promise for what it was for.

He was going to get Jace back, no matter the cost.

“Three come out.”

**Author's Note:**

> I really wanted to mention Magnus in this, seeing as I KNOW that Magnus would comfort Alec, but I just couldn't squeeze him in. Plus, I wanted to focus on Iz and Alec's relationship. 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed the angst! I re-watched this scene and I just couldn't help but do more. The acting in it is, shockingly, on point. I was really surprised by Dominic Sherwood's (Jace's) performance. VERY well done. 
> 
> Thank you for reading! Have a wonderful day!


End file.
